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ABOUT ME

用漂流的角度書寫、流浪在人生這趟旅程裡的生活觀察。關於旅外生活、職場生存、自我探索的思考和新發現。

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抗疫（抗議）日記：學習愛自己

2021 年 7 月 8 日

在英國的日子得到Covid-19

2021 年 6 月 29 日

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2021 年 6 月 22 日

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2021 年 6 月 21 日

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2021 年 6 月 21 日

chenngnie

More and more people are back to commute to work,

More and more people are back to commute to work, normal social life and doing their daily routine. But do you still remember how it was going on when the whole world stopped for a period of time? Do you recall the empathy, generosity, patience and care within yourself? How you treat people, it is how you treat yourself.

So back to 2020, what would you do again if time g

So back to 2020, what would you do again if time goes back? To sparkle every single day :) London, 2020

Being a performer standing in front of the camera

Being a performer standing in front of the camera takes a lot of time and experiences to have faith in themselves. They’ve showed admirable confidence in their performances. Besides, for some of them certainly accept the immense value of who they are. For the people behind the camera always are being prepared to capture the moment and observe what’s happening at present. To analyze everything rationally is one of the basic necessaries. At the same time, natural interactions and conversations with people are of the further essence that beings out the genuine emotions such as delights and pleasures, depression and sadness, or the great pain or agony of as human beings. People can express themselves through movement, making eye contact or even from the heart. That’s the trickiest part for me being the one photographing. It’s challenging but fun! And there’s no limited extension! That’s one of the reasons why I love portrait. I also question myself a lot that is what we’ve seen always been true? 😂 Never mind, who wants to create the next glamour moment with me? 😉

A Muslim girl with her hijab and the simplicity of

A Muslim girl with her hijab and the simplicity of heart. Thank you for having fun with me @ruhie_ 💛 Had a lovely afternoon with you. ☺️ Can’t wait for our boat adventure 😂

Girl’s first celebration - coming of age

Girl’s first celebration - coming of age

The beauty of body: If they were us 幾天前，我在參與一個拍攝計畫的過程中，感到自己眉頭深鎖，若有所思地想著一些事情，我發現自己當天沒有很專注地投入在工作上。我知道有些感受影響了我的心。回家的路上，一路上拿著我的小筆記本不停地寫著、跟自己說話，今天拍攝的心情跟上次怎麼差這麼多，但這次沒有上次那麼大陣仗，到底是怎麼回事呢？隔天，我才發現了其中一個影響著我的原因。那天的拍攝中，我們需要請模特裸體入鏡，其實這對我來說，都不是什麼太大驚小怪的事，但看見別人的身體在自己眼前，好像毫不費力地能夠完全表達自我，對第一次才剛跟模特見到面的我，不禁懷疑：「這個樣子的你是完全放鬆的嗎？」但其實這個疑問，並不是我對模特的疑問，而是我在對自己說：「你真的可以面對這樣（全裸、真實）的你自己嗎？」也許答案是不行的，所以我在那拍攝的一個小時裡，頻頻登出了畫面好幾次，我就像是個時常跳出框外的人，旁觀這正在發生的一切，但偶爾又需要登入、做好我身為助理的工作。結束後，Ben跟我說謝謝我的陪伴，讓他感到自己是在完成一個專業的工作，而不是好像在吃模特的豆腐、佔人便宜。我也跟他說，今天的自己真的沒有幫到什麼忙，很感謝他願意給我這個機會參與今天的拍攝。在面對模特的裸體時，我正在面對的，是對於自己身體的羞恥感。因為在亞洲，或其實說在不論在哪裡，我們周圍所有的形象，出現的都是瘦巴巴、很骨感的女生，似乎我們只能長成那樣，我們才能夠真正被稱為是繆思女神。但我想表達的是，只要我們的心情保持是開心、快樂的，並攝取健康的食物，我們的身體自然而然地就會跟進。漸漸地，我們再也不用去因為外在的體態來證明自己是漂亮的，或者應該成為什麼樣子，因為它自然而然就會成為那個樣子，那個最美麗、最有魅力的自己。所以誰說一定要骨感美才能夠被稱為美呢？所謂時尚也不是以體態來決定的，而是一種態度，你對生活的態度。一點靈感的體現，用自己身邊的食物隱喻每一個人們的身材和線條，希望我們能夠更愛自己的身體、也更愛自己。

Lucy in the sky with Diamonds.

Lucy in the sky with Diamonds.

I’m not the perfect. But I’m making an effort

I’m not the perfect. But I’m making an effort to be a better person and a better me. Each day, every second.

One of a lovely sunny day in May. 😎🍳

One of a lovely sunny day in May. 😎🍳

Accepting and self loving. I know I’m harsh on m

Accepting and self loving.
I know I’m harsh on myself at some point especially for things that I love much or care about. There’s always a gap between current me and the ideal one. Like I’m always not satisfied with my speaking. When I talk to people about language barrier, they always give me quizzical looks which make me bewildered as well. Afterwards, I realised that we’re gonna keep learning for our entire lives and we are constantly learning and improving. Somehow we will still know we know very little about it. But with that little, many things happened. I love current me. I accept every part of myself and my personality. Though I might get hurt, heartbroken sometimes or being powerless, defeated. But this is who I am. This is me. Further, I have to spend my whole life with her and loving her. :) Have a lovely day to each starlust in the world 😉 我知道自己對於自己很在意的部分總是很嚴苛、總是感到不滿意。像我每每在英國和人們聊到我覺得自己有語言隔閡的時候，他們總是露出「蛤？什麼？你根本沒有啊。」的眼神和表情時，我還是常感到很困惑，心想：「真的假的，為什麼我總是感覺你們在騙我，只是想讓我開心。」後來，我了解到，並不是我真的說得不好，而是現在的我和心中那個理想的自己還有段距離，於是我總是因為還沒有抵達那個理想之處而覺得有些憤慨，不斷地想要往前、想要比現在的位置更進步一些。但我們持續地在人生的每個過程中學習，我們最終會發現，我們總會感到自己知道的很少，但也因為那些我們認知的「很少」，帶給我們許多生命的奇蹟，以及從來沒有想過會發生的事。我喜歡現在的自己，我也完全地接納每一個面向的我。即使在這過程裡，我們會受傷、會感到挫敗、沮喪、無力，但這就是我，這就是真實樣子的我們。並且，我們還會和這樣的自己陪上大半日子的人生呢，所以我們要懂得更愛自己一點：）獻給每一個落在地球上的每一個燦爛的小星塵🧡

“Working hard for something we don’t care abou

“Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress, and working hard for something we love is called passion.” I remember first time I watched the video of @simonsinek , what he said is so evoking to me. And the day I watched the video is just right to the next day assisting a photographer of his personal project. I totally can understand what Simon means in the video. I couldn’t tell that how psyched I was. I cried into tears in my own room. I wasn’t sad at all. Instead, it’s an overwhelming sensation filled with your heart that you finally have found the passion that you’ve been seeking for entire life. Actually I have known it’s the thing that bringing me so much pleasure and fulfillment when I’m doing it. But I don’t have the courage to go for it. I’m still doubting myself if I’m capable of it sometimes. Though there is always an ideal picture that I’ll become the one that I want to be. I won’t stop practicing and to feel that joy more times. I know that brings me more confidence and someday I’ll become the one on the stage. Want to say thank you again to Ben @benjaminkaufmann_photography for having me there to realize that. Also massive thanks to Keiichiro san @khairstudio 😊

Beautiful Sunday ✨ Got so much inspirations from

Beautiful Sunday ✨
Got so much inspirations from the street. I love those shadows on the wall including the vertical and parallel lines. Also the diversified shapes of clouds. I can’t help but standing there just watching at it. Today is so lovely that I randomly walked pass by an organic Japanese shop and had the conversation with lovely staffs. Recently I feel much connected with people living in London no matter they’re immigrants or just stay for a short period. I have no idea I’m always the first one who initiated the conversation with them. But I like it! I really love the connections among people. I love the life here and I love the current me.🥰 我總是從倫敦的建築和街道上獲得滿滿的靈感。我很喜歡那些在建築上的陰影、幾何的線條，以及那些千奇百怪、捉摸不定任何形狀的雲朵們。我經常忍不住就站在街道上，看著那些景色，久久不能自己。有時候我會想，那些路人們經過我的時候，會不會覺得我很奇怪，但我也沒有空暇去想他們怎麼看我，因為當下的我真的很專注投入在欣賞那些風景裡頭。今天真的是個很美好的一天，下午結束和一位新朋友的午餐後，我一個人意外地走到一個平常根本沒有機會去到的地方，結果發現了一間小小的有機日本超市，並且跟裡頭的店員們聊了很長的天，有一種更加融入這家店的感覺。最近我深刻地感受到更深一層與人們的連結感，不論是和哪個國家來的人，歐洲、亞洲或者是來到倫敦的新住民們，都能夠從心感受到彼此關照的貼心與溫暖，那是一種無可比擬的溫柔與愛。不知道什麼原因，我總是能夠與人們開始這些奇妙的連結與有趣的對話，但是我真的很喜歡也很享受在其中。我很喜歡現在的生活，並且我也很喜歡現在的自己：）

Few days ago, when I was taking a shower in the mo

Few days ago, when I was taking a shower in the morning, it occurred to me that I should bring my coin case with me all the time so that I can do something for those beggars on the road. But few seconds later I was questioning that then what else? Why I want to give the money to them? However, a sound started speaking to me, it says: “Hey umm I have some words want to speak with you. The reason why I give you the money is not out of empathy. Why I’m doing this is because at the moment I’m capable of giving so I want to do it as possible as I can do. And that won’t cause any difficulties or being complicated for my life. I have no idea what happened to you in your life. But don’t give up. I believe you have the capability of doing this to others someday as well. In the end you’ll find out that love is the greatest thing in the world. Have a lovely day. Nice to meet you. :)” I said to the beggar. I painted it this morning before working. Maybe it should be called love.🙂 #arteza

To be a photographer, one must first learn to Wand

To be a photographer, one must first learn to Wander. - Simon Chang
「要成為攝影師，你得從走路走得很慢開始。」- 張雍

Sunset tranquility ;) 🌜

Sunset tranquility ;) 🌜

Some kinda daily essentials. If it were not by the

Some kinda daily essentials.
If it were not by the reason of coronavirus, I wouldn’t notice there are so many things to be grateful for. Such as caring about your surroundings or any possession you have. I fold my duvet every morning, stacking the dishes and cutleries to the cabinet, cleansing my accessories from time to time. Those dried loose lavenders were given by my flatmate which means a blessing to me during isolation I guess. And the stick was collected by me in the park nearby when I was out for delivering my parcel. Every fulfilment stems from those micropleasures but those are exactly what we have around us. Don’t have to seek for outward satisfaction, you can just find and look within yourself. You will feel pretty much content with your life right now. Btw today is the full Buck Moon of July, let’s live lives to the fullest and enjoy every special day :) Like today I’m so enjoying everything I did!!!! Especially finishing editing these photos 🥳🥳😍😍

【The New Moon falls】 . The new moon falls on t

【The New Moon falls】
.
The new moon falls on today. I meditated in the morning later made new moon wishes. I felt so anxious and stressed out since yesterday’s afternoon. That’s why I took entire morning to look within myself. I have no idea what I’m going to do today. At the same time, I’m waiting for the latest result of my test which is main reason caused me restless. I browsed my Netflix then a movie caught my eye called “Kiki’s Delivery Service”. I immediately clicked on it. It is one of my favourite cartoon when I was little but I completely have no clue about what it is talking about. Kiki, a girl who has the magic power to fly when she was born. She left her hometown at 13 years old which is the age for a witch to train in their traditional customs. She encountered difficulties in her training. One day, she found herself couldn’t fly and lost the magic power that she used to have. She was frustrated and couldn’t pull herself together until another girl who she’ve met when delivering the package came to her. The girl is an artist living in a forest with crows. She told Kiki that sometimes she can’t paint and she’ve found she was imitating other painters in the past. Then she just stopped. To take long walks, looking at the views or to doze off at noon. Doing nothing. After all, she realised and swore that she’d paint her own pictures. Everyone has their own spiritual power given by God so does a witch! Though sometimes we also suffer for it. It’s the essential practice for everyone. The movie reminds me a lot of similar experiences of mine. The day I got on the plane saying goodbye to my friend. Even my family didn’t drop me off at the airport because they live very far away in the countryside. I still desired to go for it, to seek for changes and pursuing my passion. I hope everything’s going to fall into place, working harder for things I’m passionate about and the most important is to be grateful for everything, people and connections. All in all, I surely love this city. Thank you London, thank you everyone I’ve met. (Photo: a record of my self-isolation with meds, dietary supplements, bitter taste of water and a must, being optimistic.)

Mud, trunk and river: Natural Simplicity brings co

Mud, trunk and river: Natural Simplicity brings courage and love. Unfortunately, I got sick for a week and yes it is Covid. I feel like this is the universe wants me to live through. In addition to taking a good rest, it’s also time for myself to heal my wounded inner child that I’ve been ignored for 29 years. I remember when I was confirmed that the test result is positive, one of my flatmate told me to announce the news to the rest of the housemates so that everyone can be cautious about it too. At first, I was cowardly to speak to everyone. Because I was afraid to be judged and blamed. Since I was little, I was alway blamed by elders. No matter I did it in a right way or not, I always got blamed and demanded strict instructions. I felt no one likes me even though I had tried so hard to please them and achieved higher accomplishment than others. They were still unsatisfied. After I graduated from uni, I worked for a Japanese social enterprise for 4 years. I really liked the job and my colleagues were lovely and kind-hearted people. But every time I went back to my hometown, everyone was asking me the same question, “why don’t you find a better job? To work in a bank or to find a well-known company like Google?” 7 years later here I am in London, I realised that during these years I’ve been always meeting expectations of others, no matter in study, career or my life. I’ve fed up with people saying don’t do that, don’t do this. “You should find a good office job.” “You should find a prestigious company!” Why we can’t just do something we love, we are passionate about? In terms of relationship, I’m always the giver who willing to give love to others. Once I give love to the other one, then they’re reluctant to give love back. They become selfish and ask for more love as granted. I didn’t know that until I feel I’m hurt when they choose to leave. I just found out how powerful and unlimited my love is but I have to learn to protect and love myself. I’m still healing myself both physically and mentally. I think this is the greatest and unexpected journey that the universe sent me to experience. #Ihavethepowertolovemyself
#covidjourney #healingjourney

昨天又有些失眠了，好像自從那個大滿月之後，就開始睡不太著覺，不能說是煩惱，但很多事情同時發生在生活裡，也在想著一些事情，因而感到不用睡覺時間般，所以醒著。好像睡覺變成了非例行公事。但是累的時候我們還是需要休息的。常常心裡有些什麼話就是這樣的講了出來，不是真的說出口，是在自己的心裡面唸了出來。那些直率、簡潔、明瞭地表達出自己的想法的文字，沒有被猜疑的濃霧籠罩，一切是那麼純真透明。那就是我們想要去的地方，那就是我們想要成為的自己的樣子。自由自在，一絲不掛。

很滿意今天工作的感覺，全然地享受在工作裡面以及和市集的人交談。不知道從什麼時候開始，也許是自從放掉了那個對於自己是個外國人的想法之後，我便全然地感受到自由了，走在路上不再以亞洲人的眼光看待自己，在看待其他走在路上的行人時，也沒有所謂「他們是外國人」的框架在自己的眼睛裡。有點沒來由地，最近那些無意交流起來的本地人問起自己在英國生活多久，他們對我在這短時間、卻很融入這個語言的樣態驚訝到。我發現自己在潛移默化中，伴隨著拋棄那個框架後，便不再將英語當成是一種翻譯的工具，反而將之內化成一種表達想法的自然體現，並對於我而言，更加是「做真實的自己」的樣子。對我來說，以英文對話時的自己更是內心渴望成為的樣子，不用有多餘的隱藏與遮掩。因為不需要像講中文那樣，有時還要猜測他人的意思之中是否有沒有直接說出的含義，又或者因為自己太過熟悉這個語言了，而感受到其中夾帶的情緒，導致雙方互相猜忌，最後也未能達成溝通的共識。我更喜歡直接地說出自己的想法，毫不隱藏地直接溝通。而我發現這樣的轉變也為我帶來更廣闊的交流。例如我們可以在市集交換各地的食物、咖啡以及甜點，只要你願意開啟對話。有時候也只是個很簡單的問候，卻能為彼此的一天帶來前所未有的笑容。看見每個人在人生裡享受著工作、以及這樣的人際交流裡，心中也會油然地感受到感恩與喜悅。市集的人來自世界各地，就算大家講著不同的母語，但共通語言是英文，我們會以為我們沒辦法跟這些所謂「外國人」相處或溝通，但事實上並非如此。很多時候這個阻礙的產生，來自我們在看待他人時，將太多考慮放在「與對方交心」之前了，例如：語言、種族、文化、習慣、背景⋯⋯，使得我們在與他們交流時，總覺得與他們有種隔閡。但總的來說這並不是問題的根源，重要的還是一個人的個性，以及與他人互動的方式。我是個很喜歡與他人開啟對話與互動的個性，並且相較其他人是比較主動的一方，我不喜歡等待別人先開口說話，如果我有什麼話想說當下就很自然地講出來，有時候也只是日常的問候。而在多數的經驗裡，我感受到，人們都渴望對話。人類果然還是個群居動物吧，無可避免地會與他人產生互動與對話，而藉由對話我們可以幫助暸解自己，也影響他人對自我的認識。原來這就是當Pandemic來臨的時候，大家懼怕的原因啊，大家害怕的不只是病毒的散播，更是無法與他人社交的恐懼。因為人際關係是人類基本的社會需求，它能夠滿足人類的情感、社交以及心理需求。不過武漢病毒的來襲也並不完全切除每個人的人際關係，反而是讓清除、中斷那些在自己生命裡多餘、也可能是不必要的關係。很多人因著情勢回到了自己的家鄉，在這段時間陪伴與自己的生命中重要的關係。當然，也有許多人花更多時間與自我相處，這個與「內在的自己」對話與陪伴，也是極其重要、卻經常被忽視的關係呢。現在又再次回到倫敦正常的生活裡。不知道該如何描述現在的Normal，也找不到相對應的詞來使用。現在慢慢開放的倫敦樣貌與以前的normal life一定是相差甚遠，完全不是back to normal London life。但我想經歷這段劇變的每個人稍微能理解到些什麼，他們就能懂得，一切都回不到Normal了。但是我們可以選擇繼續用前進和感恩的態度去面對接下來的每一天。心滿意足地對今天的一天微笑。 #倫敦打工度假 #倫敦生活 #londoner #londonlife

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More and more people are back to commute to work,

More and more people are back to commute to work, normal social life and doing their daily routine. But do you still remember how it was going on when the whole world stopped for a period of time? Do you recall the empathy, generosity, patience and care within yourself? How you treat people, it is how you treat yourself.

So back to 2020, what would you do again if time g

So back to 2020, what would you do again if time goes back? To sparkle every single day :) London, 2020

Being a performer standing in front of the camera

Being a performer standing in front of the camera takes a lot of time and experiences to have faith in themselves. They’ve showed admirable confidence in their performances. Besides, for some of them certainly accept the immense value of who they are. For the people behind the camera always are being prepared to capture the moment and observe what’s happening at present. To analyze everything rationally is one of the basic necessaries. At the same time, natural interactions and conversations with people are of the further essence that beings out the genuine emotions such as delights and pleasures, depression and sadness, or the great pain or agony of as human beings. People can express themselves through movement, making eye contact or even from the heart. That’s the trickiest part for me being the one photographing. It’s challenging but fun! And there’s no limited extension! That’s one of the reasons why I love portrait. I also question myself a lot that is what we’ve seen always been true? 😂 Never mind, who wants to create the next glamour moment with me? 😉

A Muslim girl with her hijab and the simplicity of

A Muslim girl with her hijab and the simplicity of heart. Thank you for having fun with me @ruhie_ 💛 Had a lovely afternoon with you. ☺️ Can’t wait for our boat adventure 😂

Girl’s first celebration - coming of age

Girl’s first celebration - coming of age

The beauty of body: If they were us 幾天前，我在參與一個拍攝計畫的過程中，感到自己眉頭深鎖，若有所思地想著一些事情，我發現自己當天沒有很專注地投入在工作上。我知道有些感受影響了我的心。回家的路上，一路上拿著我的小筆記本不停地寫著、跟自己說話，今天拍攝的心情跟上次怎麼差這麼多，但這次沒有上次那麼大陣仗，到底是怎麼回事呢？隔天，我才發現了其中一個影響著我的原因。那天的拍攝中，我們需要請模特裸體入鏡，其實這對我來說，都不是什麼太大驚小怪的事，但看見別人的身體在自己眼前，好像毫不費力地能夠完全表達自我，對第一次才剛跟模特見到面的我，不禁懷疑：「這個樣子的你是完全放鬆的嗎？」但其實這個疑問，並不是我對模特的疑問，而是我在對自己說：「你真的可以面對這樣（全裸、真實）的你自己嗎？」也許答案是不行的，所以我在那拍攝的一個小時裡，頻頻登出了畫面好幾次，我就像是個時常跳出框外的人，旁觀這正在發生的一切，但偶爾又需要登入、做好我身為助理的工作。結束後，Ben跟我說謝謝我的陪伴，讓他感到自己是在完成一個專業的工作，而不是好像在吃模特的豆腐、佔人便宜。我也跟他說，今天的自己真的沒有幫到什麼忙，很感謝他願意給我這個機會參與今天的拍攝。在面對模特的裸體時，我正在面對的，是對於自己身體的羞恥感。因為在亞洲，或其實說在不論在哪裡，我們周圍所有的形象，出現的都是瘦巴巴、很骨感的女生，似乎我們只能長成那樣，我們才能夠真正被稱為是繆思女神。但我想表達的是，只要我們的心情保持是開心、快樂的，並攝取健康的食物，我們的身體自然而然地就會跟進。漸漸地，我們再也不用去因為外在的體態來證明自己是漂亮的，或者應該成為什麼樣子，因為它自然而然就會成為那個樣子，那個最美麗、最有魅力的自己。所以誰說一定要骨感美才能夠被稱為美呢？所謂時尚也不是以體態來決定的，而是一種態度，你對生活的態度。一點靈感的體現，用自己身邊的食物隱喻每一個人們的身材和線條，希望我們能夠更愛自己的身體、也更愛自己。

Lucy in the sky with Diamonds.

Lucy in the sky with Diamonds.

I’m not the perfect. But I’m making an effort

I’m not the perfect. But I’m making an effort to be a better person and a better me. Each day, every second.

One of a lovely sunny day in May. 😎🍳

One of a lovely sunny day in May. 😎🍳

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